I'm trying to figure out what I hope to accomplish by posting this blog. I always thought I'd start a blog. I thought it would be for something I care about, like veganism... or chiropractic. I always thought I'd write something backed by research and it would be something that would leave an impact. I thought I'd one day start a blog that would create a large following, and I would bestow wisdom upon the masses. I'm being a bit overzealous but that is my aspiration. I want to make a difference in others' lives. I am meant to positively impact the people I encounter.
Having said that, I obviously have gone a different direction. Instead, I have chosen to write about my inner thoughts. An introspection, if you will. I don't know if I will have many people follow such a blog, but I guess I will find out.
Anyone who knows me, knows I am an open book. Anyone who has spent time with me, knows I am an upbeat, loving and caring person. I go out of my way to do whatever I can to help people. I just worked 8 days straight... and will continue to work another 4... so by the end of the week I will have worked a total of 12 days straight (sorry, that last statement is redundant, you can do the math). Granted I don't work 8 hour days, because I also go to school full time, but I've been coming in to work before school, leaving to go to class, then heading back in to work if class lets out early... I do this because I love my job... I love the people I work with... so I do whatever I can to help... whenever I can.
The reality of the situation is... though I want to be helpful and I want to do whatever it takes to reach a goal... the reason I chose to work this many days in a row is because I am going through a phase of depression and I really need the distraction. This is not a clinical depression... I do not need to be put on medication (as most people don't) but I do need to face the reality that I have pain in my heart, in my mind... and I need to address it. I am not good with loss. I still haven't gotten over the fact that my grandmother, my Nana died. And she died in 2007... 5 whole years ago... and I don't think I even want to get over that loss. I carry her picture around in my purse... I should elaborate: I carry her picture around in HER purse. Instead of having a cute, stylish purse, I use my Nana's purse because I feel the need to have a connection to her at all times... I have to admit, I miss her with every breath I take.
So I'm not talking about that kind of loss. Though the loss I have is affecting me, it is not a major loss. No one died. And this loss is, most likely, not even permanent. Nonetheless, it is a loss and I must see it for what it is. I need to accept the situation for what it is, and establish my feelings on the subject, and I need to stop over-analyzing the situation... and heal.
Change is a part of everyone's life. I am not averse to change. On the other hand, I am not especially fond of change either. Change and I get along all right, for the most part. But this time, I guess I was affected more strongly than I had anticipated; and that caused me to have bouts of uncontrollable crying, insomnia, and even weight loss. I'm one of those people that loses weight when depressed. (don't hate)
So, I can't sleep. My mind races. I toss and turn. So many thoughts run through my head, I can't keep them straight. Worries, fears, thoughts, feelings... I listen to my heart beat, and I focus on the blood rushing in, rushing out. I hope that this will calm me. I hope that focusing on the simple beating of my heart will lull me to sleep... but it doesn't. Nothing works. So I toss and turn. Think about my life. Think about my day. Think about all the things I've said and should have said. I think about if I would just say what I mean, how that would affect me... how that would affect others. Then I think, it's best to keep some things to myself. I think I've shared too much, already. I think I need to stop over-thinking things and let it be, for now. ... But I am No Good and letting things "be!"
So, here I am... I should be asleep. I should be dreaming positive, happy dreams... of a mystery man sweeping me off my feet and whispering sweet nothings into my ear... I should be dreaming of the long passionate kisses that come with being swept off my feet. I should be dreaming that I'm on vacation with that mystery man, and we are blissfully happy. But, fuck, I want that to be a reality. I'm sick of those dreams being only dreams. I'm sick of settling for mediocre. I'm sick of accepting less than I deserve. I shouldn't have to dream of these things. I should just be given these things. I should have a man in my life to give me these things. The man in my life should want to give me these things. And yet, I settle for less. I accept less than I deserve... then I wait.
I am strong... and beautiful... and young. I am intelligent and funny. I am compassionate and sincere. I am extremely passionate and hot headed (granted, that one might not be considered a good trait, but it's the truth). I am giving and endlessly loving. I just want to share that with someone worthy of me. I really hate the fact that I am putting this out there like this. But I really can't help myself... Though I want to stop, I am compelled to share... get it off my chest.
What is wrong with me...
No comments:
Post a Comment