Fallen

I have fallen.

I was happy... While I was falling, I felt weightless. While I was falling, the possibilities were endless. While I was falling, I had hope. Sure, I was afraid. I questioned if it could be real. I considered the possibility that it was all just a dream. And if it was, I didn't want to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Was it all a dream? It felt like reality. But don't all dreams, when you're falling, don't they all feel real? It felt so real. But maybe it was just a dream.

The problem with falling ... is that you can't fall forever. Eventually you'll hit the ground. And the ground is so unforgiving.

This is reality. Dreams don't hurt this much. I fell. Hard. I hit the ground. And I didn't bounce. I cracked. I'm still kind of stunned by the impact. Parts of me are spilling out. And it often feels like I can't hold myself together. My mind brings me to thoughts throughout the day that nearly bring me to my knees. My mind wanders and I'm suddenly forcing back tears... tears brought on by the pain from the impact... from the impact of my heart splattering on the pavement. The real problem is that I left the shattered remains of my feeble heart on that black, cold pavement. It's still there, on display, for everyone to watch, for everyone to see. I left my pathetic, unrelenting heart on that pavement in hopes that the culprit, the one who shattered my dream and woke me up to reality, would come back to either finish the job or put it back together and mend it back to full strength. But my culprit won't do either. He's satisfied to just stare at the wreckage and maybe poke at it here and there. The culprit sees and knows what this has done to me. He's not dumb, he's very intelligent. He's not blind, he's quite intuitive. But he just keeps standing there, next to my heart, poking at it with a stick. What's the purpose of this? What does he get out of this? What does he want from me?

There is so much that I want from life. There's so much that's important to me. And he is so important to me.

I've been forced to do some "soul" searching. I've been trying to figure out why I allowed myself to fall when I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me. I've been trying to figure out why I Need to be Loved.

I admit, I am a compulsive over-analyzer. I am obsessive. I can never let things go. I can never give up. I just don't have it in me.

So, how did I become the woman I am today? How do I become the woman I want to be? There was a time when nothing mattered more to me than love. I thought I got past that notion. I thought I could focus on me. I thought I didn't need love to be happy. The problem is, I thought wrong. This month has taught me something. I am still the same person I was 10 and 20 years ago. I'd like to say I have evolved. I'd like to say I've grown up. I'd really like to say I've finally got my priorities straight. But if I were to say that, I'd be lying. I'm still that kid that desperately wants, Needs to be Loved. I'm still that kid that keeps falling short. I'm still that fucking kid. I'm so frustrated with myself. I don't wanna be that kid. I'm sick of basing my value on who loves me. I'm sick of feeling devalued when I don't feel loved. I'm sick of my past dictating my future.

So, let's analyze my past.

Growing up, my dad wasn't consistently around. My mom wasn't around either. But when she was around, she was cold. She was unloving. And I felt like a piece of shit who maybe didn't deserve to be loved. I guess a part of me still can't let go of that feeling. There is something about one's childhood that just sticks. It follows you. And no matter what, you can't shake it. I can't shake this NEED to feel Loved. My problem is, I feel less of a person when I am unloved. I don't know if I ever fully understood the gravity of the situation, until now. I am not whole unless I am loved. All these years, I've been working on loving myself. And I've succeeded. I love myself more than anyone in the world. I not only love myself, but I really like myself. I think I'm a pretty neat chick. I think I'm all right. But a sadness has come over me. And I can't see past the fact that I am not loved anymore. And, all of a sudden, I'm no longer good enough. My love for myself is no longer good enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? I should be good enough. My love for myself should be all that I need. Oh, they say that no one can love you until you love yourself. "They say." So, why didn't he fall in love? What is so unlovable about me? How could I fall in love when he can't? How did I fall in love when he didn't?

So, what do I do? He didn't fall in love. He is this great person, with amazing qualities and idiosyncrasies  that (maybe) only I can fully appreciate; He's great but he didn't fall in love. He thinks I'm crazy for loving all the idiosyncratic elements of his psyche. He thinks I'm nuts for finding all the crazy things about him appealing. He thinks I'm weird for wanting more. But, I want more. I want more. I can't walk away. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. The truly perplexing thing is that he's admitted he feels the same way. He has said to me that he doesn't want to imagine his life without me in it, either. So, what do I do?

Welcome to my pity party...

Warning: This blog post is a pitiful excuse for writing. Read at your own risk...

Have you ever felt like nothing... literally nothing in life is working out for you? Of course. Everyone must have said this at one point or another in their life. Speaking in absolutes is a problem for me. I have the tendency to live in an all or nothing world of my own creation. It's a wonderful and terrible world to live in. But I created this world. Why? I haven't quite figured that out.

I am currently spiraling down a bottomless pit of despair. SPIRALING! I'm out of control. I can't find peace. I can't get a hold of myself. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel absolutely lost. Work is rough, and I don't get paid enough to sustain living. School is overwhelming and I'm not taking any classes that gratify me so there is no drive to excel. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. My personal life is a mess. I made the fatal mistake of falling in love with a man that doesn't love me back. Yet I still continue to torture myself by attempting to remain in his life... be a friend. My family is 170 miles away and I miss them, yet I can't afford to see them. Oh, and I have had a migraine for 7 days straight! I may have to commit myself pretty soon. I'm not sleeping well, the migraines get worse at night. So something's gotta give. And my sanity is fraying. I don't have anything left to give. Hell, my writing is even suffering. I can't even think straight to construct vivid and emotion felt sentences. I'm lost.

I once was a very happy and proud person. I once was so strong in my convictions that nothing could take me down. But after the year I've had, I don't feel very good. I don't feel very happy. I don't feel proud. I don't really want to run away... but I wish I were a kid so I could have the instant gratification of running away. I'm still sure of my path. I'm still sure of where my life is leading me. But the bumps in the road are so immense, I'm having a hard time seeing past them. They're like craters and boulders right in my way and I am having a hard time getting around them. Nothing worth having comes easy, I know. But I'm being challenged in every way and I have no release. Nothing is bringing me peace. Nothing, no one brings me comfort. I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

This may be a sincere cry for help. My head is pounding. My heart is breaking. My mind is splitting. My life is falling apart. And no one can help me.