There's something to be said about the stabbing pain that rips through a beating heart. There's something to be said about love ... Unrequited love.
I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I am a hopeless romantic. I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I love, not only with all my heart but, with my entire body. I love with everything that is me... my radiant life force. So when I fall in love, it simply overcomes me. I can't just let it go. I can't just focus on other things, no matter how important, when love is in my heart and in my mind. It fills the air I breathe. It consumes my every thought. It infects my every movement. It takes over my life. So I am asking myself... I am begging myself to just let. it. go.
Let it go.
I keep telling myself there are so many more important things that require my undivided attention. I keep telling myself that I have to focus on what's important. The problem is that I just cannot convince myself that anything is more important than him. Love has nothing to do with logic. Love has nothing to do with anything rational. Love is the distraction that will cause me to fail. Love is the emotion that is crippling my ability to succeed. Unrequited love is overcoming my every thought, my every movement, my every breath, my everything. Please make it go away.
I grew up conflicted. A part of me believed I was beautiful. A part of me thought maybe I was wrong. I was always taller than everyone. I always stood out. I wasn't perfect. I wasn't popular. I wasn't outgoing and I wasn't pursued. So I was very much alone most of my life. I still fall into that same pattern. I am continually and eternally the loner. Please don't get me wrong. People are very important to me and I am devoting my life to improving people's lives. But when it comes down to interactions, they're fleeting simply because I continually fall back to isolation. I'm more comfortable alone. I'm relaxed when I'm alone. I'm a bit more stiff when I am in a crowd. I don't know what to do or say when attention is not on me. But when someone gives me attention, I feed off it. I become this outgoing, carefree and intelligent beauty. I blossom. I bloom into this insightful and engaging creature. But it needs to be invoked in me. I don't demand attention on my own. I will lie in wait until I am approached. And I'll wait forever if never engaged.
So maybe that's why I found my unrequited love on the internet. And though we fit together so well in every way, my love remains unrequited. I think it's because there never was a pursuit. It seems that the pursuit is key. It seems to be very important to men. Maybe it stems from the days of the cro-magnon man when the man hunted and pursued his woman like prey, then dragged her back to the cave by her hair. My unrequited love didn't meet me the conventional way so it robbed him of the pursuit. Then I made matters worse by making myself too available. Right from the start, I made it all too easy. And now that I know my unrequited love better, I realize that he likes things to be hard. He feeds off the pursuit. He is driven by that game of cat and mouse. He loves to chase. He needs to pursue his prey. And since I never was his prey, he never pursued me. Since I was always there, he never needed to pursue me.
Fuck, I am too old for these games. I am not the girl that plays hard to get. I never was. I was always too old for this shit. I am open and honest and I don't know how to play games. I lay my cards on the table. I never bluff. I'm just not good at this game. And I don't want to ever be good at the game. I don't fucking want to play games. But in life, it doesn't matter if you want to play or not. You're in it. You're either gonna win. Or you're gonna lose. I lost. I didn't play the game right and I lost. So, now what do I do? I move on. I let go of this pain. I let go of this loss. I need to move on.
So, can someone tell me how to do that? Is there some formula, some specific steps I need to take to let him go? Haha. Who am I kidding? Even if I knew the steps, I wouldn't take them. I have been told by many to stop talking to him. I really did try... several times. But I always fail in the end. I always run right back to him. He's like an addiction. There are so many aspects of his personality that I don't want to live without. And he is so content to have me in his life, regardless of how much it hurts me. So he won't stay away either. If I had not have fallen in love with him, this relationship would have been perfect... for him. He has told me several times that this was the perfect situation for him. No pressure. Just enjoy each other's company and then do our own thing. That's all he wants. He wants something casual. He wants to date me when he's in town. He wants to call me when he needs to talk or when he's bored. He wants me to be there to lift him up when he's down. He wants my feedback on his creative pieces. I think he wants my approval. I think he cares about what I think. I think he appreciates me in his life. I just don't think he wants to be responsible for my emotions. I don't think he wants to deal with emotions. He is very nearly emotionless when it comes to emotions of the heart. Ironically, he is lively and charismatic around others. He is comical and carefree. He puts on this facade that wreaks arrogance. But he really is harder on himself than anyone else is ever let to see. He tries to hide the vulnerable side of himself. He tries to pretend it doesn't exist. He thinks that if he builds himself up around everyone, no one will know he is really afraid; no one will see he lacks confidence. He's so beautiful. He tries so hard; harder than anyone I have ever met. He really is quite spectacular.
<breathe>
So I need to figure out how to break this spell that I am under. I need to figure out how to be okay with our situation the way it is. I need to accept that I don't match what his stupid mind thinks it wants. I need to get over the fact that he didn't fall in love. I need to stop beating myself up for how this turned out. I need to forgive myself for fucking it up. I need to accept that he is not mine. I need to accept that maybe I am just meant to be alone. I am a loner, after all. I am more comfortable alone.
(yea, keep telling yourself that)
