Round and around and around we go

It's a dizzying effect I get, the way my mind works. I can't take it, sometimes. But round and around and around I go. When will I stop, no one knows. I can't help but wonder. I can't help but dissect situations down 'til there's nothing left but insanity. I drive myself past the breaking point, where there's nothing and no one that can pull me out of this mess. And I'm a fucking mess.

My best friend's mom just died. She died way too young and my heart breaks for her wonderful husband she left behind. How lucky they were to find each other. How sad it is for him to lose her. What this tells me is life is too precious; it should never be squandered.

So what am I doing with my life? Why am I giving my unrequited love a single moment of my time? He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve me! He has my heart and he's never deserved it. This man brags about everyone in his life. He's writing a fucking book about the importance of having special people in your life yet he never acknowledges the fact that I've been what I thought was a big part of his life for a year and a half. I guess I was wrong because he brags about everyone else in his life but me. He'll brag about being in Vegas, but never mentions he's there with me. He'll brag that he's driving through the valley of fire, take a picture of his car with me sitting in it, but it doesn't dawn on him to mention I'm there. He'll brag about standing on Morning View Drive as I'm standing right there with him. He'll have a picture taken of him, but doesn't think to include me. He'll brag about hanging out with the coolest doc he's ever met, my boss. I'm standing there with him and dancing the night away with him, but does he mention me? Nope! He'll brag about going bowling or to an incubus concert or a car show and I'm right there with him, but does he ever brag about that? No! But he'll brag about how lucky he is to have such great friends. He takes pictures of all his other friends and he'll talk about how great they are. He devotes entire blog posts to friends that have impacted his life so greatly, but when was the last time he made mention of me? His blog and his Instagram and his Facebook wall all tell a beautiful story of his life. And on those forums, it's seems as if I hardly existed in his life. And for a man who loves to brag about his life, the fact that he doesn't mention me speaks volumes about what I've meant to him. It certainly proves my point. So what's wrong with me? And why the hell did I stick around for so long? He's proven to me how little I meant to him. He's made me feel worse than anyone has ever made me feel. He's made me feel insignificant, less than zero. No one in my life has ever made me feel this way. Congratulations, Mr. Unrequited Love! That's quite a feat!

Very often, I look back on my life. Reflecting has always been a big part of my journey. It has allowed me to be honest with myself. It has allowed me to take blame where blame is due. I recently had some very good conversations with a therapist that opened my eyes to something I wasn't seeing. The trauma I've endured in my lifetime has caused me some post traumatic stress. It manifested itself in me as the need for control of certain aspects of my life. And now I know that need for control has hindered me from having a normal life. I have fallen in love a number of times. But every man I've fallen in love with was emotionally, or otherwise unavailable. I've determined that I have a tendency toward unavailable men because it's safer for me that way. If the men I'm involved with are actually unavailable, then I risk nothing. Okay, so if I subconsciously do this, then why do I get so hurt? If I'm protecting myself, then why am I such a fucking mess? I still don't understand. I did risk something, my fucking heart!!

I know I've said before that maybe it didn't work out because I'm not the right one for him. Well, Fuck that! I'm as right for him as anyone can be. I'm fucking awesome! It may be my problem, and I will one day face, that I choose emotionally unavailable men. But I wasn't wrong for him. I was unequivocally right for him. I was better than he thought he deserved. And that's the key. He doesn't think he deserves me. He's not ready for love. He may think he knows love. He may have felt the murderous entrapment that love has a tendency to be; but since that trap let him loose, he hasn't learned to love again. So this is not my fault. It's not me. It's fucking Him. I would have been great for him. We would have been great for each other. But he doesn't know how to love anymore. And I think he kept me at arm's length on purpose, whether subconsciously or otherwise. He's admitted that the only people he feels affection for are safe. I get it. It's not safe for him to have an affection toward me.

Fuck! We have the same problem but for different reasons. I choose unavailable men because it's safe. I'm not really putting myself out there if there's no future for us. And I'm not able to truly put myself out there until I deal with the traumas I've endured. He feels affection toward people he'll never fall in love with because that's safe. He's protecting his heart from the pain of the loss he once felt and never wants to feel again. We are quite the pair. But the difference is I miss having love in my life. I will overcome my fears and I will find someone worthy of my love. I think he's content being safe in his delusional bubble. He's just not ready for love.

(Watch my worst nightmare come to life if he is already falling in love with someone else. Seriously, that haunts my every dream)

I may be wrong. I may have given him all the confidence he needs to find his first ex wife. But, for right now, I'm going to keep telling myself it's not my fault he didn't fall in love. I'm gonna keep telling myself I'm a lovable person and I deserve love. I have to believe I deserve love. I have to believe in something.

This is why you don't remain friends with the girl whose heart you broke...

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." 
— Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa certainly has a way with words. That quote really gets to me. It has made a huge impact on my life but, for the past year, I've started to lose sight of the meaning behind this quote. I have had this quote attached to my outgoing email for at least five years and, though I love this quote, it has lost its impact on me. And that has caused me some concern. So I need to take some time to dissect this quote and get to the reason why its meaning has started to fade. 

Anyone who knows me knows I am a faithless woman so it may seem strange that I would quote such a faithful and devout catholic in the first place. You see, I don't care if there is a god. Believing or not believing in god has no impact on my life, whatsoever. I am an open and honest and loving and caring and compassionate individual without believing in a god. I have more morals than most people I meet that claim they're devout. I have devoted my life to helping my fellow humans; and will continue helping others until my dying breath. I am a philanthropist. I love humanity and I will protect humanity with every power of my being. I don't help people for fame or power. I certainly don't do it to buy my way into some fictitious afterlife. I do it solely out of the goodness of my heart. 

I am an intelligent individual. I am also a skeptic at heart. I don't take someone's word as gospel. I question everything. I demand an explanation. I seek research and proof. I expect a rational explanation for things. I refuse to simply believe things are as they are, I want to know. I want a better understanding. I want scientific knowledge that things are the way they are and why. I want to know why... and that may be one of my problems. My need to get the answer to the question, "why?" may be my problem. But we'll get to that later. In fact, this isn't the time for me to discuss my lack of faith or my questions about the faithful. I'll leave that for another blog post. 

So, back to the quote and how it lead to this moment in my life. I may not have faith in any god but I do have a very strong belief in the forces of nature. I have this understanding that the universe gives off an incredible energy and everything within the universe gives off different energies and we feed off of each other's energies. Give and take, yin and yang. I believe that these energies are what dictate our movements; repel us from one direction while forcing us in another. These beliefs (I prefer to call understandings) are the foundation to why this quote works for me and why I admire people like Mother Teresa and Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. Though these people are devoutly religious, they're also wise. They have an understanding of the importance of life. They have an understanding of the laws of the universe and have translated them into their belief system. They have spoken straight from their hearts and nothing would ever taint that. They're untouchable. They are of the purest of hearts. No greed, no hate, no desire, nothing to stray them from their path of righteousness. I admire that in them. I admire how temptation never got the best of them. I admire how pure of heart they are for their people. And because they're so pure of heart, millions follow them, millions listen to them, millions will continue to become better people because of them. And that is truly Beautiful!

I know I am greedy, at times. I know I have had hate in my heart from time to time. I know desire like I know my own name. I am not the purest of hearts. I am not wise. I am not faithful. And for the past year and a half, since I met the object of my affection, the bane of my existence, my unrequited love, I have started to lose my intention. I have started to lose my way. I don't believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be anymore. I have forgotten about my potential and I have lost faith in myself. I have always been able to give and receive love so freely. It always came so naturally to me. But when the love I so freely gave was never reciprocated, it changed something in me. I have not liked who I've become and I didn't see how I became this unrecognizable person. For the last year, I have not been myself. Something changed in me. Multiple rejections from the same man have shaken me to my core. That rejection caused me to lose faith in myself. 

(Please understand I am not blaming anyone, I am simply explaining myself) 

I love like no other. And loving him is as easy as breathing for me. So when he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't reciprocate, it shook my confidence. When he didn't share my feelings, it was as if something was stolen from me; something precious, something so seemingly unattainable. There's no feeling on this Earth that can match the feeling of unrequited love. It creates an emptiness in the one who gives, but does not receive. You see, I gave him my heart and now I'm empty inside. I don't think I've ever had this exact feeling before. But I know there's people out there that can empathize with me. I know he can. I know from his writing that he's felt before like I've been feeling for the last year.

(There are reasons why you don't remain friends with the girl whose heart you just broke. It's pure torture to see the man you want to touch and hold and love but can't. And it's truly selfish to keep that girl in your life for a year and a half by telling her to give you time, telling her to chill, and expecting her to wait for something that will never happen.)

The other night, I had a fight with my unrequited love and it shattered something in me. It shattered a mirror that I used to see when I looked at him. There's this perfect quote about love that I have kept in my heart for 15 years and I want to share it with you, it will help explain what I just said, and what I'm about to say. "The wonderful thing about falling in love is you learn everything about that person and so quickly. And if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes. And it brings out the best in you. It's almost as if you're falling in love with yourself." Over break, I went on a road trip with my unrequited love. I, reluctantly, agreed to go. I agreed to go because I thought he was trying. I thought he was finally making an effort when he never did before. I thought his feelings for me were changing, growing, developing. It turns out I thought wrong. He invited me as an experiment, an experiment that didn't turn out as he had hoped. Oh well. When we were driving home from Las Vegas, he said something that put that quote to the forefront of my mind. I asked him if I made an impact on his life, and he began to explain how I gave him the confidence he now has. My heart swelled and broke at the same time. That quote rushed to my mind, but felt like a dagger to the heart. It was a bit of an epiphany. This truly was a one sided love story... 

We learned so much about each other, so quickly. We found so many common interests, a rock solid belief system, and an unwavering drive for greatness. I often felt like I was looking into the mind of my other half. It was cosmic. It was uncanny. It was truly amazing. But while our minds were one, our hearts were far apart. But I could feel his heart through his eyes. I just could never reach it through mine. I truly believe that our eyes are the windows to our hearts and to our life force. I love looking into his eyes, though it hurts me so. but I never could look into his eyes and see love. When I first started looking into those eyes, it broke my heart. I couldn't see love staring back at me. Instead I felt pain. He was broken and I ached for him. When I fell deeper and deeper in love, I would risk looking into his eyes with the hope that the pain would be replaced with love. I was so happy to see the pain in his eyes start to fade. But I still never saw love in those eyes, not the love I had in mine. No, I saw remorse. Remorse because he doesn't know how to love me the way I love him. 

(Here's where the one sided part comes in) 

When I first started falling in love with those mournful eyes, I think it was because I was falling in love with myself all over again. (It is such a great feeling to fall in love with yourself, I must say) I saw all these similarities between us. I saw how great I was because he embodied me and I thought he was pretty fucking great! He was everything I was but also everything I wanted to be. He was so cool! But he didn't see all of the amazing things about himself that I saw. So I had to show him how great he was. And if that was the only reason for us to cross paths, then it was my mission to show him how every flaw he saw in himself really made him so imperfectly perfect. Those flaws are what make us unique, special, beautiful! ... I helped build his confidence. I made him see how great he is. I did it! I fulfilled my mission. But this quote failed me. This is supposed to be true love. He finally saw himself through my eyes. So what happened? 

Well, while I was bringing out the best in him, while I was showing him how great he truly is, unrequited love was bringing out the worst in me. While I helped build his confidence, he inadvertently tore mine down. It's not his fault. It's just how things go sometimes. I was in his life to show him that he deserves to be happy. I was in his life to build his confidence and love him, unconditionally. Now that he is happy... Now that he has confidence in himself... Now that he sees that he can be loved, truly and unconditionally loved, my job is done. He no longer requires my services. 

Right now, I am too hurt and too heartbroken to see what he brought into my life, other than pain and agony and utter despair. But it's only been a few days since I had this epiphany. My heartache is suffocating any positivity I could possibly breed from this whole experience. 

So, what next? Well, I've not spoken to my unrequited love since the 1st. I guess you can call that my New Year's Resolution. We'll see how long I can hold out. I've tried so many times before. I've failed every time. I'm not very strong when it comes to him. He truly is my weakness. Like I said, loving him is as easy as breathing for me. Trying not to love him is like trying not to breathe. And I'm not good at holding my breath. So, we'll see. I'm going to work on believing in myself again. Since I won't have him keeping me in line anymore, I'll have to hold myself more accountable... We'll see about that as well. It's much easier said than done. I'm also on a journey to find where I'm meant to be. I don't think I belong here anymore. I never really fit in, in the first place. He was the one who made this place somewhat bearable. While he was gone, I was miserable. I was so excited when he told me he was definitely coming back. But now that he's back, and my hope of us being together is all but gone, I feel like I can't risk being in the vicinity of him. It's too easy to fall into the same patterns with him. I feel like I need to get away. So I need to search within myself and decide if I'm running from him and heartbreak; or am I simply looking for where I'm meant to be?

To be continued...

Make it go away...

There's something to be said about the stabbing pain that rips through a beating heart. There's something to be said about love ... Unrequited love.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I am a hopeless romantic. I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I love, not only with all my heart but, with my entire body. I love with everything that is me... my radiant life force. So when I fall in love, it simply overcomes me. I can't just let it go. I can't just focus on other things, no matter how important, when love is in my heart and in my mind. It fills the air I breathe. It consumes my every thought. It infects my every movement. It takes over my life. So I am asking myself... I am begging myself to just let. it. go.

Let it go.

I keep telling myself there are so many more important things that require my undivided attention. I keep telling myself that I have to focus on what's important. The problem is that I just cannot convince myself that anything is more important than him. Love has nothing to do with logic. Love has nothing to do with anything rational. Love is the distraction that will cause me to fail. Love is the emotion that is crippling my ability to succeed. Unrequited love is overcoming my every thought, my every movement, my every breath, my everything. Please make it go away.

I grew up conflicted. A part of me believed I was beautiful. A part of me thought maybe I was wrong. I was always taller than everyone. I always stood out. I wasn't perfect. I wasn't popular. I wasn't outgoing and I wasn't pursued. So I was very much alone most of my life. I still fall into that same pattern. I am continually and eternally the loner. Please don't get me wrong. People are very important to me and I am devoting my life to improving people's lives. But when it comes down to interactions, they're fleeting simply because I continually fall back to isolation. I'm more comfortable alone. I'm relaxed when I'm alone. I'm a bit more stiff when I am in a crowd. I don't know what to do or say when attention is not on me. But when someone gives me attention, I feed off it. I become this outgoing, carefree and intelligent beauty. I blossom. I bloom into this insightful and engaging creature. But it needs to be invoked in me. I don't demand attention on my own. I will lie in wait until I am approached. And I'll wait forever if never engaged.

So maybe that's why I found my unrequited love on the internet. And though we fit together so well in every way, my love remains unrequited. I think it's because there never was a pursuit. It seems that the pursuit is key. It seems to be very important to men. Maybe it stems from the days of the cro-magnon man when the man hunted and pursued his woman like prey, then dragged her back to the cave by her hair. My unrequited love didn't meet me the conventional way so it robbed him of the pursuit. Then I made matters worse by making myself too available. Right from the start, I made it all too easy. And now that I know my unrequited love better, I realize that he likes things to be hard. He feeds off the pursuit. He is driven by that game of cat and mouse. He loves to chase. He needs to pursue his prey. And since I never was his prey, he never pursued me. Since I was always there, he never needed to pursue me.

Fuck, I am too old for these games. I am not the girl that plays hard to get. I never was. I was always too old for this shit. I am open and honest and I don't know how to play games. I lay my cards on the table. I never bluff. I'm just not good at this game. And I don't want to ever be good at the game. I don't fucking want to play games. But in life, it doesn't matter if you want to play or not. You're in it. You're either gonna win. Or you're gonna lose. I lost. I didn't play the game right and I lost. So, now what do I do? I move on. I let go of this pain. I let go of this loss. I need to move on.

So, can someone tell me how to do that? Is there some formula, some specific steps I need to take to let him go? Haha. Who am I kidding? Even if I knew the steps, I wouldn't take them. I have been told by many to stop talking to him. I really did try... several times. But I always fail in the end. I always run right back to him. He's like an addiction. There are so many aspects of his personality that I don't want to live without. And he is so content to have me in his life, regardless of how much it hurts me. So he won't stay away either. If I had not have fallen in love with him, this relationship would have been perfect... for him. He has told me several times that this was the perfect situation for him. No pressure. Just enjoy each other's company and then do our own thing. That's all he wants. He wants something casual. He wants to date me when he's in town. He wants to call me when he needs to talk or when he's bored. He wants me to be there to lift him up when he's down. He wants my feedback on his creative pieces. I think he wants my approval. I think he cares about what I think. I think he appreciates me in his life. I just don't think he wants to be responsible for my emotions. I don't think he wants to deal with emotions. He is very nearly emotionless when it comes to emotions of the heart. Ironically, he is lively and charismatic around others. He is comical and carefree. He puts on this facade that wreaks arrogance. But he really is harder on himself than anyone else is ever let to see. He tries to hide the vulnerable side of himself. He tries to pretend it doesn't exist. He thinks that if he builds himself up around everyone, no one will know he is really afraid; no one will see he lacks confidence. He's so beautiful. He tries so hard; harder than anyone I have ever met. He really is quite spectacular.
<breathe>

So I need to figure out how to break this spell that I am under. I need to figure out how to be okay with our situation the way it is. I need to accept that I don't match what his stupid mind thinks it wants. I need to get over the fact that he didn't fall in love. I need to stop beating myself up for how this turned out. I need to forgive myself for fucking it up. I need to accept that he is not mine. I need to accept that maybe I am just meant to be alone. I am a loner, after all. I am more comfortable alone.
(yea, keep telling yourself that)

It doesn't matter...

I just had a birthday and instead of feeling a year older and wiser, I felt lost and naive. I'm thirty three and I can no longer say I have things figured out. I'm questioning my understanding of things I thought I had a firm grasp on. I feel like I need another lesson on life and love and happiness. I need to take some remedial classes, brush up on a few things… Because I forgot, I simply must have forgotten what it was like to be loved. I really lost touch with the feeling I’ve felt when I was loved. It had been so long since I felt the love of a great man, I mistakenly grabbed on to the first thing that resembled it. I was emphatically mistaken. But no matter how much I recognize my error, it doesn’t stop me from wanting and yearning for that admitted mistake.

When a relationship ends, people so often say that the timing was off in some way or another, “we were in different places in our lives” or some variation of a pathetic cliché. Though time seems to be the easy scapegoat in my love story, I refuse to succumb to that bland and small minded excuse. I want to call a spade a spade. I want to dissect this bullshit love story down to the pathetic excuse for love that it truly is. Really, this is no love story. Love stories at least start with love. And though my suitor claims he has “plenty of love” for me, I can’t possibly believe such irrelevant words because he hasn’t the faintest idea of what love truly is. He is a cad, a man who acts with deliberate disregard for another's feelings. And no cad could ever truly understand the complexities of love. I can’t even rightfully call this man a suitor. He never actively pursued a relationship with me. He’d merely dangle a string of hope along my periphery whenever he was bored. And I actively chased that string with the determination of a feisty cat. And, like any feisty cat would do, I shredded that string of hope ‘til there was nothing left. There is nothing left but a shredded pile of hopelessness.

I have to understand fully, here and now, that the problem we face is not time. I have to squash that belief because if I consider that time is all we need, I will continue to hold onto that shredded pile and call it hope. I will try with all my heart to mend and love every string, every strand. I will wait – not so - patiently at the window, staring with my sweet and salty water rimmed eyes. I will continue to yearn and moan and ache for him. I will drive myself insane. I know this because I have done it for a year. I have done this because I believed all we needed was time. But I need to ask myself, “Is it really the timing? Is there no other reason why this relationship is not working out?” I have to be brutally honest with myself and face the real man I am pining over. Who is this man?

The man I fell desperately in love with is a broken man. He once loved a girl with all his heart and when she left him, she took his heart with her. I don’t think he ever got it back. This is a man who has the coveted ability to put emotions on paper like no one I know. When I read the way he expressed love, my heart melted. He once loved someone with a passion and perplexity that I endear. I can empathize with that kind of love… that gut wrenching, life-changing devotion that seems to be endless. I miss that kind of love.

So, the first thing that drew me to this man was his writing ability; the second was his voice. He has a tambour in his voice that very few have and even fewer admire… but I do. I could listen to it for hours. When I didn’t want our first date to end, I knew there was something there. There was a spark. I felt it. I know he did as well. But that spark couldn’t be lit. He still had a fire burning where his heart used to be. He was not over the woman who left with his heart. And she would not give it back.

I should have walked away when I realized he was still reaching for the life he had with her. I should have known to not give that man another minute of my time. I should have known. But he asked me to give him time. So I did. I gave him a year. And in that year, I fell hopelessly in love. And now it is killing me to walk away. I have tried over and over again. I have failed each time miserably. And in the end, I am just miserable. But I thought I could handle the pain. I thought it would all be worth it in the end. But there is no end in sight. I held on so tightly to the belief that even if love is full of thorns, I would still embrace it because I thought that in between those thorns, there would be a rose that’s worth all that pain...

I need to break this down further. I need to know for a fact that it is not timing. I need to know it is me. I need to know I am not his rose. I need to accept that he is not mine. He will never be mine. I fell in love with the man that he displayed in his writing. I fell in love with a man that once loved with all his heart. I thought I was falling in love with a romantic. I thought I found the right man for me. I thought I found the man I would marry. I was ready to take on the challenge of loving that man for the rest of my life. I knew I would succeed. I thought he had all the qualities I could ever want in a man… and more. I thought, in time, he would open his heart to me. I thought eventually he would put it on display. He kept telling me to wait, to be patient. He kept saying he needed time. And when I would say, "maybe I am just not the right woman for you," he would tell me I can’t say that. But, fuck, I am saying it. Maybe I am not the right woman for him. Maybe he didn’t fall in love, not because he is not over his ex but, because I am not the right woman for him. I’m sick of excuses. I’m sick of time being the defining factor of our relationship. I want to eliminate that mendacity.

I have been saying for a year that maybe I am not the one for him. Not once did I think maybe he is not the one for me. I have felt for a year that he could be the one for me. I have believed for nine months that he is the one for me. I have agonized over the thought of losing the man I believed to be my life-partner. I have been in love with a combination of the man he once was and the man he has become. But what if, in order to become the man he is, he can no longer be any part of the man he once was…

I am having an epiphany. He said the other day that he hadn’t changed from before. And I didn’t think twice about that very important sentence. I focused on the words that followed: “I’m focused on other things and I’ve asked you to chill and wait.” I immediately thought that it was just another line. I got defensive and questioned how this 'great' guy could be so indifferent toward me. Now that my rage is somewhat simmered, I can put focus on the vastly more important point that he made. In the year that I’ve known this man, he hasn’t changed a bit. It’s not like he once was affectionate and now he’s not. It’s not like he was romantic and now he’s not. I was holding on to this façade of a man that I never met. His writing may speak toward a depth in him that I admire and adore, but he is not that man with me. He has never been that man with me, not once. But I fell in love with the hope that one day that part of him would come back and he would be the romantic man he once was. I am so ridiculous and should have my head checked for falling for that.

I know what I want in a man. This man has nearly every quality I could ever dream of finding in a man. The one problem (honestly, there is only one) is the lack of romance. This man has never had the drive to be romantic with me. He has never swept me off my feet. He has never even tried to spend a romantic evening alone together. We haven’t so much as gone for a romantic walk since our first date. He has barely given me a glimpse of his heart. And he has never given me the satisfaction of truly seeing it. It almost doesn’t exist. I have looked deeply into his eyes only a few times because when I do, I start to cry. I have fallen so hard for this man and I don’t see that love staring back at me. And that breaks my heart.

I need to focus on reality. If in a year he can’t show me he cares, then he is not the one for me. I need to stop thinking I may not be the one for him. I need to stop leaving myself open to ridiculous notions that, with time, he will one day shift his focus to me. I need to face reality that he is no different than he was when we met and he will never be the man he claims he is. He is not a romantic. He is not affectionate. And he is not the man for me. It is as simple as that. I wish he were romantic. I wish he were affectionate. I wish he wanted to pay attention to me. But the reality is he does not want to be romantic. He has little desire to be affectionate. And he has no drive toward me. He seems indifferent because he is indifferent. He seems to treat my wants and needs as trivial, insignificant and irrelevant to the importance of his life because I am unimportant in his life. So it doesn’t matter that I am “marriage material.” It doesn’t matter how beautiful or funny or smart or great I am. It doesn’t matter what I do for him. None of it matters. I am unimportant in his life.

And conversely, it doesn’t matter how great he is. It doesn’t matter that he's a gear head and a true wrencher. It doesn’t matter that he is a spectacular writer. It doesn’t matter that he's a beautiful piano player and a gifted drummer. It doesn't matter that he actually is a great dancer. It doesn’t matter that when he sings I melt or when he talks I can listen for hours without thinking about when it’s my turn to talk. It doesn’t matter that I may be the only one who finds his self deprecating humor coupled with a capricious arrogance endearing. It doesn’t matter that he actually cares about how he looks and always tries to dress well. It doesn’t matter that he often has impeccable hygiene. It doesn’t matter that we share the same beliefs, the same taste in music, television, movies, etc… It doesn’t matter that he has this fantastic sense of humor that makes me laugh constantly. It doesn’t matter that he has a great body and cute feet. It doesn’t matter that we are completely in sync in the bedroom and our sexual chemistry is sooo powerful. It doesn’t matter because he doesn't have the one thing I need… love. He is not in love with me. He's not affectionate with me. He's not romantic with me. Therefore, he is not the one for me. 

Fallen

I have fallen.

I was happy... While I was falling, I felt weightless. While I was falling, the possibilities were endless. While I was falling, I had hope. Sure, I was afraid. I questioned if it could be real. I considered the possibility that it was all just a dream. And if it was, I didn't want to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Was it all a dream? It felt like reality. But don't all dreams, when you're falling, don't they all feel real? It felt so real. But maybe it was just a dream.

The problem with falling ... is that you can't fall forever. Eventually you'll hit the ground. And the ground is so unforgiving.

This is reality. Dreams don't hurt this much. I fell. Hard. I hit the ground. And I didn't bounce. I cracked. I'm still kind of stunned by the impact. Parts of me are spilling out. And it often feels like I can't hold myself together. My mind brings me to thoughts throughout the day that nearly bring me to my knees. My mind wanders and I'm suddenly forcing back tears... tears brought on by the pain from the impact... from the impact of my heart splattering on the pavement. The real problem is that I left the shattered remains of my feeble heart on that black, cold pavement. It's still there, on display, for everyone to watch, for everyone to see. I left my pathetic, unrelenting heart on that pavement in hopes that the culprit, the one who shattered my dream and woke me up to reality, would come back to either finish the job or put it back together and mend it back to full strength. But my culprit won't do either. He's satisfied to just stare at the wreckage and maybe poke at it here and there. The culprit sees and knows what this has done to me. He's not dumb, he's very intelligent. He's not blind, he's quite intuitive. But he just keeps standing there, next to my heart, poking at it with a stick. What's the purpose of this? What does he get out of this? What does he want from me?

There is so much that I want from life. There's so much that's important to me. And he is so important to me.

I've been forced to do some "soul" searching. I've been trying to figure out why I allowed myself to fall when I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me. I've been trying to figure out why I Need to be Loved.

I admit, I am a compulsive over-analyzer. I am obsessive. I can never let things go. I can never give up. I just don't have it in me.

So, how did I become the woman I am today? How do I become the woman I want to be? There was a time when nothing mattered more to me than love. I thought I got past that notion. I thought I could focus on me. I thought I didn't need love to be happy. The problem is, I thought wrong. This month has taught me something. I am still the same person I was 10 and 20 years ago. I'd like to say I have evolved. I'd like to say I've grown up. I'd really like to say I've finally got my priorities straight. But if I were to say that, I'd be lying. I'm still that kid that desperately wants, Needs to be Loved. I'm still that kid that keeps falling short. I'm still that fucking kid. I'm so frustrated with myself. I don't wanna be that kid. I'm sick of basing my value on who loves me. I'm sick of feeling devalued when I don't feel loved. I'm sick of my past dictating my future.

So, let's analyze my past.

Growing up, my dad wasn't consistently around. My mom wasn't around either. But when she was around, she was cold. She was unloving. And I felt like a piece of shit who maybe didn't deserve to be loved. I guess a part of me still can't let go of that feeling. There is something about one's childhood that just sticks. It follows you. And no matter what, you can't shake it. I can't shake this NEED to feel Loved. My problem is, I feel less of a person when I am unloved. I don't know if I ever fully understood the gravity of the situation, until now. I am not whole unless I am loved. All these years, I've been working on loving myself. And I've succeeded. I love myself more than anyone in the world. I not only love myself, but I really like myself. I think I'm a pretty neat chick. I think I'm all right. But a sadness has come over me. And I can't see past the fact that I am not loved anymore. And, all of a sudden, I'm no longer good enough. My love for myself is no longer good enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? I should be good enough. My love for myself should be all that I need. Oh, they say that no one can love you until you love yourself. "They say." So, why didn't he fall in love? What is so unlovable about me? How could I fall in love when he can't? How did I fall in love when he didn't?

So, what do I do? He didn't fall in love. He is this great person, with amazing qualities and idiosyncrasies  that (maybe) only I can fully appreciate; He's great but he didn't fall in love. He thinks I'm crazy for loving all the idiosyncratic elements of his psyche. He thinks I'm nuts for finding all the crazy things about him appealing. He thinks I'm weird for wanting more. But, I want more. I want more. I can't walk away. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. The truly perplexing thing is that he's admitted he feels the same way. He has said to me that he doesn't want to imagine his life without me in it, either. So, what do I do?

Welcome to my pity party...

Warning: This blog post is a pitiful excuse for writing. Read at your own risk...

Have you ever felt like nothing... literally nothing in life is working out for you? Of course. Everyone must have said this at one point or another in their life. Speaking in absolutes is a problem for me. I have the tendency to live in an all or nothing world of my own creation. It's a wonderful and terrible world to live in. But I created this world. Why? I haven't quite figured that out.

I am currently spiraling down a bottomless pit of despair. SPIRALING! I'm out of control. I can't find peace. I can't get a hold of myself. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel absolutely lost. Work is rough, and I don't get paid enough to sustain living. School is overwhelming and I'm not taking any classes that gratify me so there is no drive to excel. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. My personal life is a mess. I made the fatal mistake of falling in love with a man that doesn't love me back. Yet I still continue to torture myself by attempting to remain in his life... be a friend. My family is 170 miles away and I miss them, yet I can't afford to see them. Oh, and I have had a migraine for 7 days straight! I may have to commit myself pretty soon. I'm not sleeping well, the migraines get worse at night. So something's gotta give. And my sanity is fraying. I don't have anything left to give. Hell, my writing is even suffering. I can't even think straight to construct vivid and emotion felt sentences. I'm lost.

I once was a very happy and proud person. I once was so strong in my convictions that nothing could take me down. But after the year I've had, I don't feel very good. I don't feel very happy. I don't feel proud. I don't really want to run away... but I wish I were a kid so I could have the instant gratification of running away. I'm still sure of my path. I'm still sure of where my life is leading me. But the bumps in the road are so immense, I'm having a hard time seeing past them. They're like craters and boulders right in my way and I am having a hard time getting around them. Nothing worth having comes easy, I know. But I'm being challenged in every way and I have no release. Nothing is bringing me peace. Nothing, no one brings me comfort. I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

This may be a sincere cry for help. My head is pounding. My heart is breaking. My mind is splitting. My life is falling apart. And no one can help me.

Buyer, Beware!

(I haven't heard from you in months... since May. Now this.)

Love... It can take so many shapes, so many forms. Love has been an absolute blessing for me. I wouldn't change a moment in my life for fear of losing some of my most fond memories in the ripple effect that any change would create.

Let's reminisce for a moment, shall we...

Think about the first time you felt loved... from your mom or dad, grandmother, etc... I remember countless times when I felt the epitome of love from my Nana. That woman knew how to make me feel special; and the happiness she brought me still lights up my life and brings a pit to my stomach every time I think of those very moments. I feel like I've swallowed a golf ball right now, because I'm fighting back tears as I type. I am just flooded by so many beautiful memories that exemplify unconditional love. It was her eyes that said it all. She had the purest of eyes. Not a single immoral bone in her body. Not a single immoral thought in her mind. She was my moral compass. And when she looked at me, her eyes did all the talking. She said, "I love you" to me more than anyone else in my family, and her "I love you" was more genuine than any other word ever uttered to me in my life.

Now, think of your first serious relationship. Think of the love you received. Think of the ways love was expressed to you. Think of why that person loved you. I was involved with a man for six years; a man that I thought (at one point) I would marry. He was sweet and philosophical. He was a bit of a dreamer. But more importantly, he was a free thinker. We had many similar beliefs. We were both in the same place, romantically. I was still quite young; I was barely 19, and he was 25. We fell in love, fast. But I knew it was love by the way he looked into my eyes. There was a level of pain behind the glossy exterior of those striking, green eyes; pain that would almost certainly cripple the man if he ever lost me. I can look back and envision those moments from 1999 as if I were experiencing them right here and now. I remember when tears would fill the corners of his eyes as he stared deeply into mine. I remember I would then be overwhelmed by emotion and lose control of my tear ducts and sweet salty rivers would stream down my face, uncontrollably... all the while, keeping our eyes fixed on each other.

People say, "the eyes are the windows to the soul." Now, I don't know about this whole "soul" idea. But I am an expert at reading one's eyes. It's my gift of discernment. If I can look you in the eyes, I can tell if you're genuine. And I have been fortunate to have met some very caring men, with a genuine love for me.

Which leads me to my tornado... (or is he my volcano?) Oh, the insane love we shared. Truly life threatening. Gut wrenching, mind boggling, life affirming, "soul" embodying, sick, twisted, ...splendid love! Our relationship has been over more times than I can count. My sanity was in question nearly as many times. This man's unrelenting love pierced my heart and spilled my blood for nearly four years. His eyes, Wow!... they were unique. They would burn a hole into my eyes that traveled to my heart and made it skip a beat. His love was like a sickness; a cancer that rapidly divided all throughout my body, and I was ill-equipped to handle such a love. I had no idea that love could be so profound. I though I had experienced the grandest of all loves. But this love, there was no comparison. It was of the extremes of bipolar disease. It gave you the high of the century; then left you with the lowest of lows, pounded into the pavement. This highly destructive relationship fooled me for years. I believed that it was all worth it, the torture we inflicted on each other. The obsession that suffocated my every breath. I believed we could overcome anything. I believed love would see us through to the end of that treacherous road. I was wrong.

Still, two and a half years later, he is haunting my thoughts and breaking in to my virtual reality with his cryptic messages and subject-less frames of mind. When does this stop? Where does it all end? Does it ever end? I say "buyer beware" because, though I can't imagine anything better than love, there is not much worse than a broken heart... especially when the term, "you break it, you buy it," doesn't apply.

Can someone please tell me how to mend a broken heart?