Round and around and around we go

It's a dizzying effect I get, the way my mind works. I can't take it, sometimes. But round and around and around I go. When will I stop, no one knows. I can't help but wonder. I can't help but dissect situations down 'til there's nothing left but insanity. I drive myself past the breaking point, where there's nothing and no one that can pull me out of this mess. And I'm a fucking mess.

My best friend's mom just died. She died way too young and my heart breaks for her wonderful husband she left behind. How lucky they were to find each other. How sad it is for him to lose her. What this tells me is life is too precious; it should never be squandered.

So what am I doing with my life? Why am I giving my unrequited love a single moment of my time? He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve me! He has my heart and he's never deserved it. This man brags about everyone in his life. He's writing a fucking book about the importance of having special people in your life yet he never acknowledges the fact that I've been what I thought was a big part of his life for a year and a half. I guess I was wrong because he brags about everyone else in his life but me. He'll brag about being in Vegas, but never mentions he's there with me. He'll brag that he's driving through the valley of fire, take a picture of his car with me sitting in it, but it doesn't dawn on him to mention I'm there. He'll brag about standing on Morning View Drive as I'm standing right there with him. He'll have a picture taken of him, but doesn't think to include me. He'll brag about hanging out with the coolest doc he's ever met, my boss. I'm standing there with him and dancing the night away with him, but does he mention me? Nope! He'll brag about going bowling or to an incubus concert or a car show and I'm right there with him, but does he ever brag about that? No! But he'll brag about how lucky he is to have such great friends. He takes pictures of all his other friends and he'll talk about how great they are. He devotes entire blog posts to friends that have impacted his life so greatly, but when was the last time he made mention of me? His blog and his Instagram and his Facebook wall all tell a beautiful story of his life. And on those forums, it's seems as if I hardly existed in his life. And for a man who loves to brag about his life, the fact that he doesn't mention me speaks volumes about what I've meant to him. It certainly proves my point. So what's wrong with me? And why the hell did I stick around for so long? He's proven to me how little I meant to him. He's made me feel worse than anyone has ever made me feel. He's made me feel insignificant, less than zero. No one in my life has ever made me feel this way. Congratulations, Mr. Unrequited Love! That's quite a feat!

Very often, I look back on my life. Reflecting has always been a big part of my journey. It has allowed me to be honest with myself. It has allowed me to take blame where blame is due. I recently had some very good conversations with a therapist that opened my eyes to something I wasn't seeing. The trauma I've endured in my lifetime has caused me some post traumatic stress. It manifested itself in me as the need for control of certain aspects of my life. And now I know that need for control has hindered me from having a normal life. I have fallen in love a number of times. But every man I've fallen in love with was emotionally, or otherwise unavailable. I've determined that I have a tendency toward unavailable men because it's safer for me that way. If the men I'm involved with are actually unavailable, then I risk nothing. Okay, so if I subconsciously do this, then why do I get so hurt? If I'm protecting myself, then why am I such a fucking mess? I still don't understand. I did risk something, my fucking heart!!

I know I've said before that maybe it didn't work out because I'm not the right one for him. Well, Fuck that! I'm as right for him as anyone can be. I'm fucking awesome! It may be my problem, and I will one day face, that I choose emotionally unavailable men. But I wasn't wrong for him. I was unequivocally right for him. I was better than he thought he deserved. And that's the key. He doesn't think he deserves me. He's not ready for love. He may think he knows love. He may have felt the murderous entrapment that love has a tendency to be; but since that trap let him loose, he hasn't learned to love again. So this is not my fault. It's not me. It's fucking Him. I would have been great for him. We would have been great for each other. But he doesn't know how to love anymore. And I think he kept me at arm's length on purpose, whether subconsciously or otherwise. He's admitted that the only people he feels affection for are safe. I get it. It's not safe for him to have an affection toward me.

Fuck! We have the same problem but for different reasons. I choose unavailable men because it's safe. I'm not really putting myself out there if there's no future for us. And I'm not able to truly put myself out there until I deal with the traumas I've endured. He feels affection toward people he'll never fall in love with because that's safe. He's protecting his heart from the pain of the loss he once felt and never wants to feel again. We are quite the pair. But the difference is I miss having love in my life. I will overcome my fears and I will find someone worthy of my love. I think he's content being safe in his delusional bubble. He's just not ready for love.

(Watch my worst nightmare come to life if he is already falling in love with someone else. Seriously, that haunts my every dream)

I may be wrong. I may have given him all the confidence he needs to find his first ex wife. But, for right now, I'm going to keep telling myself it's not my fault he didn't fall in love. I'm gonna keep telling myself I'm a lovable person and I deserve love. I have to believe I deserve love. I have to believe in something.

This is why you don't remain friends with the girl whose heart you broke...

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." 
— Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa certainly has a way with words. That quote really gets to me. It has made a huge impact on my life but, for the past year, I've started to lose sight of the meaning behind this quote. I have had this quote attached to my outgoing email for at least five years and, though I love this quote, it has lost its impact on me. And that has caused me some concern. So I need to take some time to dissect this quote and get to the reason why its meaning has started to fade. 

Anyone who knows me knows I am a faithless woman so it may seem strange that I would quote such a faithful and devout catholic in the first place. You see, I don't care if there is a god. Believing or not believing in god has no impact on my life, whatsoever. I am an open and honest and loving and caring and compassionate individual without believing in a god. I have more morals than most people I meet that claim they're devout. I have devoted my life to helping my fellow humans; and will continue helping others until my dying breath. I am a philanthropist. I love humanity and I will protect humanity with every power of my being. I don't help people for fame or power. I certainly don't do it to buy my way into some fictitious afterlife. I do it solely out of the goodness of my heart. 

I am an intelligent individual. I am also a skeptic at heart. I don't take someone's word as gospel. I question everything. I demand an explanation. I seek research and proof. I expect a rational explanation for things. I refuse to simply believe things are as they are, I want to know. I want a better understanding. I want scientific knowledge that things are the way they are and why. I want to know why... and that may be one of my problems. My need to get the answer to the question, "why?" may be my problem. But we'll get to that later. In fact, this isn't the time for me to discuss my lack of faith or my questions about the faithful. I'll leave that for another blog post. 

So, back to the quote and how it lead to this moment in my life. I may not have faith in any god but I do have a very strong belief in the forces of nature. I have this understanding that the universe gives off an incredible energy and everything within the universe gives off different energies and we feed off of each other's energies. Give and take, yin and yang. I believe that these energies are what dictate our movements; repel us from one direction while forcing us in another. These beliefs (I prefer to call understandings) are the foundation to why this quote works for me and why I admire people like Mother Teresa and Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. Though these people are devoutly religious, they're also wise. They have an understanding of the importance of life. They have an understanding of the laws of the universe and have translated them into their belief system. They have spoken straight from their hearts and nothing would ever taint that. They're untouchable. They are of the purest of hearts. No greed, no hate, no desire, nothing to stray them from their path of righteousness. I admire that in them. I admire how temptation never got the best of them. I admire how pure of heart they are for their people. And because they're so pure of heart, millions follow them, millions listen to them, millions will continue to become better people because of them. And that is truly Beautiful!

I know I am greedy, at times. I know I have had hate in my heart from time to time. I know desire like I know my own name. I am not the purest of hearts. I am not wise. I am not faithful. And for the past year and a half, since I met the object of my affection, the bane of my existence, my unrequited love, I have started to lose my intention. I have started to lose my way. I don't believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be anymore. I have forgotten about my potential and I have lost faith in myself. I have always been able to give and receive love so freely. It always came so naturally to me. But when the love I so freely gave was never reciprocated, it changed something in me. I have not liked who I've become and I didn't see how I became this unrecognizable person. For the last year, I have not been myself. Something changed in me. Multiple rejections from the same man have shaken me to my core. That rejection caused me to lose faith in myself. 

(Please understand I am not blaming anyone, I am simply explaining myself) 

I love like no other. And loving him is as easy as breathing for me. So when he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't reciprocate, it shook my confidence. When he didn't share my feelings, it was as if something was stolen from me; something precious, something so seemingly unattainable. There's no feeling on this Earth that can match the feeling of unrequited love. It creates an emptiness in the one who gives, but does not receive. You see, I gave him my heart and now I'm empty inside. I don't think I've ever had this exact feeling before. But I know there's people out there that can empathize with me. I know he can. I know from his writing that he's felt before like I've been feeling for the last year.

(There are reasons why you don't remain friends with the girl whose heart you just broke. It's pure torture to see the man you want to touch and hold and love but can't. And it's truly selfish to keep that girl in your life for a year and a half by telling her to give you time, telling her to chill, and expecting her to wait for something that will never happen.)

The other night, I had a fight with my unrequited love and it shattered something in me. It shattered a mirror that I used to see when I looked at him. There's this perfect quote about love that I have kept in my heart for 15 years and I want to share it with you, it will help explain what I just said, and what I'm about to say. "The wonderful thing about falling in love is you learn everything about that person and so quickly. And if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes. And it brings out the best in you. It's almost as if you're falling in love with yourself." Over break, I went on a road trip with my unrequited love. I, reluctantly, agreed to go. I agreed to go because I thought he was trying. I thought he was finally making an effort when he never did before. I thought his feelings for me were changing, growing, developing. It turns out I thought wrong. He invited me as an experiment, an experiment that didn't turn out as he had hoped. Oh well. When we were driving home from Las Vegas, he said something that put that quote to the forefront of my mind. I asked him if I made an impact on his life, and he began to explain how I gave him the confidence he now has. My heart swelled and broke at the same time. That quote rushed to my mind, but felt like a dagger to the heart. It was a bit of an epiphany. This truly was a one sided love story... 

We learned so much about each other, so quickly. We found so many common interests, a rock solid belief system, and an unwavering drive for greatness. I often felt like I was looking into the mind of my other half. It was cosmic. It was uncanny. It was truly amazing. But while our minds were one, our hearts were far apart. But I could feel his heart through his eyes. I just could never reach it through mine. I truly believe that our eyes are the windows to our hearts and to our life force. I love looking into his eyes, though it hurts me so. but I never could look into his eyes and see love. When I first started looking into those eyes, it broke my heart. I couldn't see love staring back at me. Instead I felt pain. He was broken and I ached for him. When I fell deeper and deeper in love, I would risk looking into his eyes with the hope that the pain would be replaced with love. I was so happy to see the pain in his eyes start to fade. But I still never saw love in those eyes, not the love I had in mine. No, I saw remorse. Remorse because he doesn't know how to love me the way I love him. 

(Here's where the one sided part comes in) 

When I first started falling in love with those mournful eyes, I think it was because I was falling in love with myself all over again. (It is such a great feeling to fall in love with yourself, I must say) I saw all these similarities between us. I saw how great I was because he embodied me and I thought he was pretty fucking great! He was everything I was but also everything I wanted to be. He was so cool! But he didn't see all of the amazing things about himself that I saw. So I had to show him how great he was. And if that was the only reason for us to cross paths, then it was my mission to show him how every flaw he saw in himself really made him so imperfectly perfect. Those flaws are what make us unique, special, beautiful! ... I helped build his confidence. I made him see how great he is. I did it! I fulfilled my mission. But this quote failed me. This is supposed to be true love. He finally saw himself through my eyes. So what happened? 

Well, while I was bringing out the best in him, while I was showing him how great he truly is, unrequited love was bringing out the worst in me. While I helped build his confidence, he inadvertently tore mine down. It's not his fault. It's just how things go sometimes. I was in his life to show him that he deserves to be happy. I was in his life to build his confidence and love him, unconditionally. Now that he is happy... Now that he has confidence in himself... Now that he sees that he can be loved, truly and unconditionally loved, my job is done. He no longer requires my services. 

Right now, I am too hurt and too heartbroken to see what he brought into my life, other than pain and agony and utter despair. But it's only been a few days since I had this epiphany. My heartache is suffocating any positivity I could possibly breed from this whole experience. 

So, what next? Well, I've not spoken to my unrequited love since the 1st. I guess you can call that my New Year's Resolution. We'll see how long I can hold out. I've tried so many times before. I've failed every time. I'm not very strong when it comes to him. He truly is my weakness. Like I said, loving him is as easy as breathing for me. Trying not to love him is like trying not to breathe. And I'm not good at holding my breath. So, we'll see. I'm going to work on believing in myself again. Since I won't have him keeping me in line anymore, I'll have to hold myself more accountable... We'll see about that as well. It's much easier said than done. I'm also on a journey to find where I'm meant to be. I don't think I belong here anymore. I never really fit in, in the first place. He was the one who made this place somewhat bearable. While he was gone, I was miserable. I was so excited when he told me he was definitely coming back. But now that he's back, and my hope of us being together is all but gone, I feel like I can't risk being in the vicinity of him. It's too easy to fall into the same patterns with him. I feel like I need to get away. So I need to search within myself and decide if I'm running from him and heartbreak; or am I simply looking for where I'm meant to be?

To be continued...