Make it go away...

There's something to be said about the stabbing pain that rips through a beating heart. There's something to be said about love ... Unrequited love.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I am a hopeless romantic. I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I love, not only with all my heart but, with my entire body. I love with everything that is me... my radiant life force. So when I fall in love, it simply overcomes me. I can't just let it go. I can't just focus on other things, no matter how important, when love is in my heart and in my mind. It fills the air I breathe. It consumes my every thought. It infects my every movement. It takes over my life. So I am asking myself... I am begging myself to just let. it. go.

Let it go.

I keep telling myself there are so many more important things that require my undivided attention. I keep telling myself that I have to focus on what's important. The problem is that I just cannot convince myself that anything is more important than him. Love has nothing to do with logic. Love has nothing to do with anything rational. Love is the distraction that will cause me to fail. Love is the emotion that is crippling my ability to succeed. Unrequited love is overcoming my every thought, my every movement, my every breath, my everything. Please make it go away.

I grew up conflicted. A part of me believed I was beautiful. A part of me thought maybe I was wrong. I was always taller than everyone. I always stood out. I wasn't perfect. I wasn't popular. I wasn't outgoing and I wasn't pursued. So I was very much alone most of my life. I still fall into that same pattern. I am continually and eternally the loner. Please don't get me wrong. People are very important to me and I am devoting my life to improving people's lives. But when it comes down to interactions, they're fleeting simply because I continually fall back to isolation. I'm more comfortable alone. I'm relaxed when I'm alone. I'm a bit more stiff when I am in a crowd. I don't know what to do or say when attention is not on me. But when someone gives me attention, I feed off it. I become this outgoing, carefree and intelligent beauty. I blossom. I bloom into this insightful and engaging creature. But it needs to be invoked in me. I don't demand attention on my own. I will lie in wait until I am approached. And I'll wait forever if never engaged.

So maybe that's why I found my unrequited love on the internet. And though we fit together so well in every way, my love remains unrequited. I think it's because there never was a pursuit. It seems that the pursuit is key. It seems to be very important to men. Maybe it stems from the days of the cro-magnon man when the man hunted and pursued his woman like prey, then dragged her back to the cave by her hair. My unrequited love didn't meet me the conventional way so it robbed him of the pursuit. Then I made matters worse by making myself too available. Right from the start, I made it all too easy. And now that I know my unrequited love better, I realize that he likes things to be hard. He feeds off the pursuit. He is driven by that game of cat and mouse. He loves to chase. He needs to pursue his prey. And since I never was his prey, he never pursued me. Since I was always there, he never needed to pursue me.

Fuck, I am too old for these games. I am not the girl that plays hard to get. I never was. I was always too old for this shit. I am open and honest and I don't know how to play games. I lay my cards on the table. I never bluff. I'm just not good at this game. And I don't want to ever be good at the game. I don't fucking want to play games. But in life, it doesn't matter if you want to play or not. You're in it. You're either gonna win. Or you're gonna lose. I lost. I didn't play the game right and I lost. So, now what do I do? I move on. I let go of this pain. I let go of this loss. I need to move on.

So, can someone tell me how to do that? Is there some formula, some specific steps I need to take to let him go? Haha. Who am I kidding? Even if I knew the steps, I wouldn't take them. I have been told by many to stop talking to him. I really did try... several times. But I always fail in the end. I always run right back to him. He's like an addiction. There are so many aspects of his personality that I don't want to live without. And he is so content to have me in his life, regardless of how much it hurts me. So he won't stay away either. If I had not have fallen in love with him, this relationship would have been perfect... for him. He has told me several times that this was the perfect situation for him. No pressure. Just enjoy each other's company and then do our own thing. That's all he wants. He wants something casual. He wants to date me when he's in town. He wants to call me when he needs to talk or when he's bored. He wants me to be there to lift him up when he's down. He wants my feedback on his creative pieces. I think he wants my approval. I think he cares about what I think. I think he appreciates me in his life. I just don't think he wants to be responsible for my emotions. I don't think he wants to deal with emotions. He is very nearly emotionless when it comes to emotions of the heart. Ironically, he is lively and charismatic around others. He is comical and carefree. He puts on this facade that wreaks arrogance. But he really is harder on himself than anyone else is ever let to see. He tries to hide the vulnerable side of himself. He tries to pretend it doesn't exist. He thinks that if he builds himself up around everyone, no one will know he is really afraid; no one will see he lacks confidence. He's so beautiful. He tries so hard; harder than anyone I have ever met. He really is quite spectacular.
<breathe>

So I need to figure out how to break this spell that I am under. I need to figure out how to be okay with our situation the way it is. I need to accept that I don't match what his stupid mind thinks it wants. I need to get over the fact that he didn't fall in love. I need to stop beating myself up for how this turned out. I need to forgive myself for fucking it up. I need to accept that he is not mine. I need to accept that maybe I am just meant to be alone. I am a loner, after all. I am more comfortable alone.
(yea, keep telling yourself that)

It doesn't matter...

I just had a birthday and instead of feeling a year older and wiser, I felt lost and naive. I'm thirty three and I can no longer say I have things figured out. I'm questioning my understanding of things I thought I had a firm grasp on. I feel like I need another lesson on life and love and happiness. I need to take some remedial classes, brush up on a few things… Because I forgot, I simply must have forgotten what it was like to be loved. I really lost touch with the feeling I’ve felt when I was loved. It had been so long since I felt the love of a great man, I mistakenly grabbed on to the first thing that resembled it. I was emphatically mistaken. But no matter how much I recognize my error, it doesn’t stop me from wanting and yearning for that admitted mistake.

When a relationship ends, people so often say that the timing was off in some way or another, “we were in different places in our lives” or some variation of a pathetic cliché. Though time seems to be the easy scapegoat in my love story, I refuse to succumb to that bland and small minded excuse. I want to call a spade a spade. I want to dissect this bullshit love story down to the pathetic excuse for love that it truly is. Really, this is no love story. Love stories at least start with love. And though my suitor claims he has “plenty of love” for me, I can’t possibly believe such irrelevant words because he hasn’t the faintest idea of what love truly is. He is a cad, a man who acts with deliberate disregard for another's feelings. And no cad could ever truly understand the complexities of love. I can’t even rightfully call this man a suitor. He never actively pursued a relationship with me. He’d merely dangle a string of hope along my periphery whenever he was bored. And I actively chased that string with the determination of a feisty cat. And, like any feisty cat would do, I shredded that string of hope ‘til there was nothing left. There is nothing left but a shredded pile of hopelessness.

I have to understand fully, here and now, that the problem we face is not time. I have to squash that belief because if I consider that time is all we need, I will continue to hold onto that shredded pile and call it hope. I will try with all my heart to mend and love every string, every strand. I will wait – not so - patiently at the window, staring with my sweet and salty water rimmed eyes. I will continue to yearn and moan and ache for him. I will drive myself insane. I know this because I have done it for a year. I have done this because I believed all we needed was time. But I need to ask myself, “Is it really the timing? Is there no other reason why this relationship is not working out?” I have to be brutally honest with myself and face the real man I am pining over. Who is this man?

The man I fell desperately in love with is a broken man. He once loved a girl with all his heart and when she left him, she took his heart with her. I don’t think he ever got it back. This is a man who has the coveted ability to put emotions on paper like no one I know. When I read the way he expressed love, my heart melted. He once loved someone with a passion and perplexity that I endear. I can empathize with that kind of love… that gut wrenching, life-changing devotion that seems to be endless. I miss that kind of love.

So, the first thing that drew me to this man was his writing ability; the second was his voice. He has a tambour in his voice that very few have and even fewer admire… but I do. I could listen to it for hours. When I didn’t want our first date to end, I knew there was something there. There was a spark. I felt it. I know he did as well. But that spark couldn’t be lit. He still had a fire burning where his heart used to be. He was not over the woman who left with his heart. And she would not give it back.

I should have walked away when I realized he was still reaching for the life he had with her. I should have known to not give that man another minute of my time. I should have known. But he asked me to give him time. So I did. I gave him a year. And in that year, I fell hopelessly in love. And now it is killing me to walk away. I have tried over and over again. I have failed each time miserably. And in the end, I am just miserable. But I thought I could handle the pain. I thought it would all be worth it in the end. But there is no end in sight. I held on so tightly to the belief that even if love is full of thorns, I would still embrace it because I thought that in between those thorns, there would be a rose that’s worth all that pain...

I need to break this down further. I need to know for a fact that it is not timing. I need to know it is me. I need to know I am not his rose. I need to accept that he is not mine. He will never be mine. I fell in love with the man that he displayed in his writing. I fell in love with a man that once loved with all his heart. I thought I was falling in love with a romantic. I thought I found the right man for me. I thought I found the man I would marry. I was ready to take on the challenge of loving that man for the rest of my life. I knew I would succeed. I thought he had all the qualities I could ever want in a man… and more. I thought, in time, he would open his heart to me. I thought eventually he would put it on display. He kept telling me to wait, to be patient. He kept saying he needed time. And when I would say, "maybe I am just not the right woman for you," he would tell me I can’t say that. But, fuck, I am saying it. Maybe I am not the right woman for him. Maybe he didn’t fall in love, not because he is not over his ex but, because I am not the right woman for him. I’m sick of excuses. I’m sick of time being the defining factor of our relationship. I want to eliminate that mendacity.

I have been saying for a year that maybe I am not the one for him. Not once did I think maybe he is not the one for me. I have felt for a year that he could be the one for me. I have believed for nine months that he is the one for me. I have agonized over the thought of losing the man I believed to be my life-partner. I have been in love with a combination of the man he once was and the man he has become. But what if, in order to become the man he is, he can no longer be any part of the man he once was…

I am having an epiphany. He said the other day that he hadn’t changed from before. And I didn’t think twice about that very important sentence. I focused on the words that followed: “I’m focused on other things and I’ve asked you to chill and wait.” I immediately thought that it was just another line. I got defensive and questioned how this 'great' guy could be so indifferent toward me. Now that my rage is somewhat simmered, I can put focus on the vastly more important point that he made. In the year that I’ve known this man, he hasn’t changed a bit. It’s not like he once was affectionate and now he’s not. It’s not like he was romantic and now he’s not. I was holding on to this façade of a man that I never met. His writing may speak toward a depth in him that I admire and adore, but he is not that man with me. He has never been that man with me, not once. But I fell in love with the hope that one day that part of him would come back and he would be the romantic man he once was. I am so ridiculous and should have my head checked for falling for that.

I know what I want in a man. This man has nearly every quality I could ever dream of finding in a man. The one problem (honestly, there is only one) is the lack of romance. This man has never had the drive to be romantic with me. He has never swept me off my feet. He has never even tried to spend a romantic evening alone together. We haven’t so much as gone for a romantic walk since our first date. He has barely given me a glimpse of his heart. And he has never given me the satisfaction of truly seeing it. It almost doesn’t exist. I have looked deeply into his eyes only a few times because when I do, I start to cry. I have fallen so hard for this man and I don’t see that love staring back at me. And that breaks my heart.

I need to focus on reality. If in a year he can’t show me he cares, then he is not the one for me. I need to stop thinking I may not be the one for him. I need to stop leaving myself open to ridiculous notions that, with time, he will one day shift his focus to me. I need to face reality that he is no different than he was when we met and he will never be the man he claims he is. He is not a romantic. He is not affectionate. And he is not the man for me. It is as simple as that. I wish he were romantic. I wish he were affectionate. I wish he wanted to pay attention to me. But the reality is he does not want to be romantic. He has little desire to be affectionate. And he has no drive toward me. He seems indifferent because he is indifferent. He seems to treat my wants and needs as trivial, insignificant and irrelevant to the importance of his life because I am unimportant in his life. So it doesn’t matter that I am “marriage material.” It doesn’t matter how beautiful or funny or smart or great I am. It doesn’t matter what I do for him. None of it matters. I am unimportant in his life.

And conversely, it doesn’t matter how great he is. It doesn’t matter that he's a gear head and a true wrencher. It doesn’t matter that he is a spectacular writer. It doesn’t matter that he's a beautiful piano player and a gifted drummer. It doesn't matter that he actually is a great dancer. It doesn’t matter that when he sings I melt or when he talks I can listen for hours without thinking about when it’s my turn to talk. It doesn’t matter that I may be the only one who finds his self deprecating humor coupled with a capricious arrogance endearing. It doesn’t matter that he actually cares about how he looks and always tries to dress well. It doesn’t matter that he often has impeccable hygiene. It doesn’t matter that we share the same beliefs, the same taste in music, television, movies, etc… It doesn’t matter that he has this fantastic sense of humor that makes me laugh constantly. It doesn’t matter that he has a great body and cute feet. It doesn’t matter that we are completely in sync in the bedroom and our sexual chemistry is sooo powerful. It doesn’t matter because he doesn't have the one thing I need… love. He is not in love with me. He's not affectionate with me. He's not romantic with me. Therefore, he is not the one for me. 

Fallen

I have fallen.

I was happy... While I was falling, I felt weightless. While I was falling, the possibilities were endless. While I was falling, I had hope. Sure, I was afraid. I questioned if it could be real. I considered the possibility that it was all just a dream. And if it was, I didn't want to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Was it all a dream? It felt like reality. But don't all dreams, when you're falling, don't they all feel real? It felt so real. But maybe it was just a dream.

The problem with falling ... is that you can't fall forever. Eventually you'll hit the ground. And the ground is so unforgiving.

This is reality. Dreams don't hurt this much. I fell. Hard. I hit the ground. And I didn't bounce. I cracked. I'm still kind of stunned by the impact. Parts of me are spilling out. And it often feels like I can't hold myself together. My mind brings me to thoughts throughout the day that nearly bring me to my knees. My mind wanders and I'm suddenly forcing back tears... tears brought on by the pain from the impact... from the impact of my heart splattering on the pavement. The real problem is that I left the shattered remains of my feeble heart on that black, cold pavement. It's still there, on display, for everyone to watch, for everyone to see. I left my pathetic, unrelenting heart on that pavement in hopes that the culprit, the one who shattered my dream and woke me up to reality, would come back to either finish the job or put it back together and mend it back to full strength. But my culprit won't do either. He's satisfied to just stare at the wreckage and maybe poke at it here and there. The culprit sees and knows what this has done to me. He's not dumb, he's very intelligent. He's not blind, he's quite intuitive. But he just keeps standing there, next to my heart, poking at it with a stick. What's the purpose of this? What does he get out of this? What does he want from me?

There is so much that I want from life. There's so much that's important to me. And he is so important to me.

I've been forced to do some "soul" searching. I've been trying to figure out why I allowed myself to fall when I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me. I've been trying to figure out why I Need to be Loved.

I admit, I am a compulsive over-analyzer. I am obsessive. I can never let things go. I can never give up. I just don't have it in me.

So, how did I become the woman I am today? How do I become the woman I want to be? There was a time when nothing mattered more to me than love. I thought I got past that notion. I thought I could focus on me. I thought I didn't need love to be happy. The problem is, I thought wrong. This month has taught me something. I am still the same person I was 10 and 20 years ago. I'd like to say I have evolved. I'd like to say I've grown up. I'd really like to say I've finally got my priorities straight. But if I were to say that, I'd be lying. I'm still that kid that desperately wants, Needs to be Loved. I'm still that kid that keeps falling short. I'm still that fucking kid. I'm so frustrated with myself. I don't wanna be that kid. I'm sick of basing my value on who loves me. I'm sick of feeling devalued when I don't feel loved. I'm sick of my past dictating my future.

So, let's analyze my past.

Growing up, my dad wasn't consistently around. My mom wasn't around either. But when she was around, she was cold. She was unloving. And I felt like a piece of shit who maybe didn't deserve to be loved. I guess a part of me still can't let go of that feeling. There is something about one's childhood that just sticks. It follows you. And no matter what, you can't shake it. I can't shake this NEED to feel Loved. My problem is, I feel less of a person when I am unloved. I don't know if I ever fully understood the gravity of the situation, until now. I am not whole unless I am loved. All these years, I've been working on loving myself. And I've succeeded. I love myself more than anyone in the world. I not only love myself, but I really like myself. I think I'm a pretty neat chick. I think I'm all right. But a sadness has come over me. And I can't see past the fact that I am not loved anymore. And, all of a sudden, I'm no longer good enough. My love for myself is no longer good enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? I should be good enough. My love for myself should be all that I need. Oh, they say that no one can love you until you love yourself. "They say." So, why didn't he fall in love? What is so unlovable about me? How could I fall in love when he can't? How did I fall in love when he didn't?

So, what do I do? He didn't fall in love. He is this great person, with amazing qualities and idiosyncrasies  that (maybe) only I can fully appreciate; He's great but he didn't fall in love. He thinks I'm crazy for loving all the idiosyncratic elements of his psyche. He thinks I'm nuts for finding all the crazy things about him appealing. He thinks I'm weird for wanting more. But, I want more. I want more. I can't walk away. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. The truly perplexing thing is that he's admitted he feels the same way. He has said to me that he doesn't want to imagine his life without me in it, either. So, what do I do?

Welcome to my pity party...

Warning: This blog post is a pitiful excuse for writing. Read at your own risk...

Have you ever felt like nothing... literally nothing in life is working out for you? Of course. Everyone must have said this at one point or another in their life. Speaking in absolutes is a problem for me. I have the tendency to live in an all or nothing world of my own creation. It's a wonderful and terrible world to live in. But I created this world. Why? I haven't quite figured that out.

I am currently spiraling down a bottomless pit of despair. SPIRALING! I'm out of control. I can't find peace. I can't get a hold of myself. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel absolutely lost. Work is rough, and I don't get paid enough to sustain living. School is overwhelming and I'm not taking any classes that gratify me so there is no drive to excel. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. My personal life is a mess. I made the fatal mistake of falling in love with a man that doesn't love me back. Yet I still continue to torture myself by attempting to remain in his life... be a friend. My family is 170 miles away and I miss them, yet I can't afford to see them. Oh, and I have had a migraine for 7 days straight! I may have to commit myself pretty soon. I'm not sleeping well, the migraines get worse at night. So something's gotta give. And my sanity is fraying. I don't have anything left to give. Hell, my writing is even suffering. I can't even think straight to construct vivid and emotion felt sentences. I'm lost.

I once was a very happy and proud person. I once was so strong in my convictions that nothing could take me down. But after the year I've had, I don't feel very good. I don't feel very happy. I don't feel proud. I don't really want to run away... but I wish I were a kid so I could have the instant gratification of running away. I'm still sure of my path. I'm still sure of where my life is leading me. But the bumps in the road are so immense, I'm having a hard time seeing past them. They're like craters and boulders right in my way and I am having a hard time getting around them. Nothing worth having comes easy, I know. But I'm being challenged in every way and I have no release. Nothing is bringing me peace. Nothing, no one brings me comfort. I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

This may be a sincere cry for help. My head is pounding. My heart is breaking. My mind is splitting. My life is falling apart. And no one can help me.