It's a dizzying effect I get, the way my mind works. I can't take it, sometimes. But round and around and around I go. When will I stop, no one knows. I can't help but wonder. I can't help but dissect situations down 'til there's nothing left but insanity. I drive myself past the breaking point, where there's nothing and no one that can pull me out of this mess. And I'm a fucking mess.
My best friend's mom just died. She died way too young and my heart breaks for her wonderful husband she left behind. How lucky they were to find each other. How sad it is for him to lose her. What this tells me is life is too precious; it should never be squandered.
So what am I doing with my life? Why am I giving my unrequited love a single moment of my time? He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve me! He has my heart and he's never deserved it. This man brags about everyone in his life. He's writing a fucking book about the importance of having special people in your life yet he never acknowledges the fact that I've been what I thought was a big part of his life for a year and a half. I guess I was wrong because he brags about everyone else in his life but me. He'll brag about being in Vegas, but never mentions he's there with me. He'll brag that he's driving through the valley of fire, take a picture of his car with me sitting in it, but it doesn't dawn on him to mention I'm there. He'll brag about standing on Morning View Drive as I'm standing right there with him. He'll have a picture taken of him, but doesn't think to include me. He'll brag about hanging out with the coolest doc he's ever met, my boss. I'm standing there with him and dancing the night away with him, but does he mention me? Nope! He'll brag about going bowling or to an incubus concert or a car show and I'm right there with him, but does he ever brag about that? No! But he'll brag about how lucky he is to have such great friends. He takes pictures of all his other friends and he'll talk about how great they are. He devotes entire blog posts to friends that have impacted his life so greatly, but when was the last time he made mention of me? His blog and his Instagram and his Facebook wall all tell a beautiful story of his life. And on those forums, it's seems as if I hardly existed in his life. And for a man who loves to brag about his life, the fact that he doesn't mention me speaks volumes about what I've meant to him. It certainly proves my point. So what's wrong with me? And why the hell did I stick around for so long? He's proven to me how little I meant to him. He's made me feel worse than anyone has ever made me feel. He's made me feel insignificant, less than zero. No one in my life has ever made me feel this way. Congratulations, Mr. Unrequited Love! That's quite a feat!
Very often, I look back on my life. Reflecting has always been a big part of my journey. It has allowed me to be honest with myself. It has allowed me to take blame where blame is due. I recently had some very good conversations with a therapist that opened my eyes to something I wasn't seeing. The trauma I've endured in my lifetime has caused me some post traumatic stress. It manifested itself in me as the need for control of certain aspects of my life. And now I know that need for control has hindered me from having a normal life. I have fallen in love a number of times. But every man I've fallen in love with was emotionally, or otherwise unavailable. I've determined that I have a tendency toward unavailable men because it's safer for me that way. If the men I'm involved with are actually unavailable, then I risk nothing. Okay, so if I subconsciously do this, then why do I get so hurt? If I'm protecting myself, then why am I such a fucking mess? I still don't understand. I did risk something, my fucking heart!!
I know I've said before that maybe it didn't work out because I'm not the right one for him. Well, Fuck that! I'm as right for him as anyone can be. I'm fucking awesome! It may be my problem, and I will one day face, that I choose emotionally unavailable men. But I wasn't wrong for him. I was unequivocally right for him. I was better than he thought he deserved. And that's the key. He doesn't think he deserves me. He's not ready for love. He may think he knows love. He may have felt the murderous entrapment that love has a tendency to be; but since that trap let him loose, he hasn't learned to love again. So this is not my fault. It's not me. It's fucking Him. I would have been great for him. We would have been great for each other. But he doesn't know how to love anymore. And I think he kept me at arm's length on purpose, whether subconsciously or otherwise. He's admitted that the only people he feels affection for are safe. I get it. It's not safe for him to have an affection toward me.
Fuck! We have the same problem but for different reasons. I choose unavailable men because it's safe. I'm not really putting myself out there if there's no future for us. And I'm not able to truly put myself out there until I deal with the traumas I've endured. He feels affection toward people he'll never fall in love with because that's safe. He's protecting his heart from the pain of the loss he once felt and never wants to feel again. We are quite the pair. But the difference is I miss having love in my life. I will overcome my fears and I will find someone worthy of my love. I think he's content being safe in his delusional bubble. He's just not ready for love.
(Watch my worst nightmare come to life if he is already falling in love with someone else. Seriously, that haunts my every dream)
I may be wrong. I may have given him all the confidence he needs to find his first ex wife. But, for right now, I'm going to keep telling myself it's not my fault he didn't fall in love. I'm gonna keep telling myself I'm a lovable person and I deserve love. I have to believe I deserve love. I have to believe in something.
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