Buyer, Beware!

(I haven't heard from you in months... since May. Now this.)

Love... It can take so many shapes, so many forms. Love has been an absolute blessing for me. I wouldn't change a moment in my life for fear of losing some of my most fond memories in the ripple effect that any change would create.

Let's reminisce for a moment, shall we...

Think about the first time you felt loved... from your mom or dad, grandmother, etc... I remember countless times when I felt the epitome of love from my Nana. That woman knew how to make me feel special; and the happiness she brought me still lights up my life and brings a pit to my stomach every time I think of those very moments. I feel like I've swallowed a golf ball right now, because I'm fighting back tears as I type. I am just flooded by so many beautiful memories that exemplify unconditional love. It was her eyes that said it all. She had the purest of eyes. Not a single immoral bone in her body. Not a single immoral thought in her mind. She was my moral compass. And when she looked at me, her eyes did all the talking. She said, "I love you" to me more than anyone else in my family, and her "I love you" was more genuine than any other word ever uttered to me in my life.

Now, think of your first serious relationship. Think of the love you received. Think of the ways love was expressed to you. Think of why that person loved you. I was involved with a man for six years; a man that I thought (at one point) I would marry. He was sweet and philosophical. He was a bit of a dreamer. But more importantly, he was a free thinker. We had many similar beliefs. We were both in the same place, romantically. I was still quite young; I was barely 19, and he was 25. We fell in love, fast. But I knew it was love by the way he looked into my eyes. There was a level of pain behind the glossy exterior of those striking, green eyes; pain that would almost certainly cripple the man if he ever lost me. I can look back and envision those moments from 1999 as if I were experiencing them right here and now. I remember when tears would fill the corners of his eyes as he stared deeply into mine. I remember I would then be overwhelmed by emotion and lose control of my tear ducts and sweet salty rivers would stream down my face, uncontrollably... all the while, keeping our eyes fixed on each other.

People say, "the eyes are the windows to the soul." Now, I don't know about this whole "soul" idea. But I am an expert at reading one's eyes. It's my gift of discernment. If I can look you in the eyes, I can tell if you're genuine. And I have been fortunate to have met some very caring men, with a genuine love for me.

Which leads me to my tornado... (or is he my volcano?) Oh, the insane love we shared. Truly life threatening. Gut wrenching, mind boggling, life affirming, "soul" embodying, sick, twisted, ...splendid love! Our relationship has been over more times than I can count. My sanity was in question nearly as many times. This man's unrelenting love pierced my heart and spilled my blood for nearly four years. His eyes, Wow!... they were unique. They would burn a hole into my eyes that traveled to my heart and made it skip a beat. His love was like a sickness; a cancer that rapidly divided all throughout my body, and I was ill-equipped to handle such a love. I had no idea that love could be so profound. I though I had experienced the grandest of all loves. But this love, there was no comparison. It was of the extremes of bipolar disease. It gave you the high of the century; then left you with the lowest of lows, pounded into the pavement. This highly destructive relationship fooled me for years. I believed that it was all worth it, the torture we inflicted on each other. The obsession that suffocated my every breath. I believed we could overcome anything. I believed love would see us through to the end of that treacherous road. I was wrong.

Still, two and a half years later, he is haunting my thoughts and breaking in to my virtual reality with his cryptic messages and subject-less frames of mind. When does this stop? Where does it all end? Does it ever end? I say "buyer beware" because, though I can't imagine anything better than love, there is not much worse than a broken heart... especially when the term, "you break it, you buy it," doesn't apply.

Can someone please tell me how to mend a broken heart?